If you’re feeling down and not wanting to get out of bed when you wake up, it’s normal to feel concerned about your emotional state and that something might be wrong with you. You may try to perk yourself up, tell yourself you’re fine, or judge yourself because you got a good night’s sleep and tell yourself that there’s no logical reason to feel this way, but still lack the energy to open your eyes, lift up the covers, place your feet on the floor, stand up, and start your day.

Feeling this way might make you wonder if you’re dealing with depression, grief, or something else. Although grief and depression can have overlapping symptoms, they are known to come from different sources and involve different approaches for ways to cope. By asking yourself specific questions and understanding key differences, you can gain clarity and understanding for your current emotional state and take helpful steps to care for yourself, re-energize, and change the way you feel.

Important Questions to Ask Yourself About the Way You Feel

I believe that most changes in life, emotions included, come from the awareness of or curiosity about why you feel the way you do. Essentially, you want to know your why. When you wake up feeling down, drained, or struggling to start your day, it’s very helpful to understand why you wake up feeling the way you do.

In order to better understand why you wake up feeling a certain way, my suggestion is to reflect on the recommended questions below. You can print off the list and run through them like a checklist or you can be a bit more spontaneous and let the questions come to you as you lie awake.

Reflective Questions

1. How did I sleep last night? Did you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep? Did you sleep too much or too little? If you experienced sleep disturbances, you may have evidence or indicators for being affected by grief, depression, or fatigue.

2. What is the first thought or feeling I have upon waking? Is it a feeling of dread, sadness, anxiety, or something else? Are you thinking about a specific loss or event? This can help identify if your emotions are tied to a particular event or circumstance in your life. It can also be a strong indicator for whether you are grieving or feeling depressed.

3. What am I looking forward to today? Do you have any plans or activities that you are excited about, or does everything feel like a chore? If the latter, give yourself grace. It’s too easy to judge yourself or be hard on yourself when you acknowledge or realize that there’s very little you feel excited about.

Depression often leads to a lack of interest in activities, even ones that you used to find enjoyable. When grieving, you may still find moments of joy in certain activities (especially with eating certain foods - like chocolate or ice cream.)

4. How do I feel about myself right now? Honest answers provide helpful and useful information. If you are experiencing feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or self-blame, you may also feel lower self-esteem. Low self-esteem is more commonly associated with depression and less with grief.

What if you feel neutral or positive about yourself? If you have a balanced view of yourself, it’s easier to understand that your feelings are a natural response to loss, and not a reflection of your overall value.

5. What do I need right now? Are you in need of comfort, support, rest, or something else? Identifying your needs can help you take steps to address them. To help, consider these key points:

• Signs of needing comfort include feeling emotionally raw, needing reassurance, seeking solace or a sense of safety.

• Signs of needing support include feeling overwhelmed, needing guidance, seeking validation or understanding.

• Signs of needing rest include physical exhaustion, mental fatigue, or feeling run down.

6. Am I longing for someone or thinking about the loss of a specific person? If your thoughts are focused on a particular loss, it might indicate grief. Consider how these thoughts are affecting your mood and energy. You can be emotionally impacted and experience a range of feelings like sadness, anger, and/or guilt.

Distinguishing Between Grief and Depression

There are a lot of people who are grieving but think they’re depressed. The symptoms of grief and depression are similar. For example, feeling deep sadness, having trouble sleeping, and feeling unmotivated to do daily activities are symptoms of both grief and depression. To differentiate between these conditions, it’s helpful to understand each of their unique characteristics and how they manifest in daily life. Below are some key factors that help distinguish grief from depression.

What is Grief?

Grief is typically precipitated by a specific loss, such as the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or another significant life change or transition. This recognition of the type of loss helps for identifying if grief is your current experience.

Grief often comes in waves, with periods of intense sadness followed by times of momentary calm. There may be moments where you feel okay or even experience happiness, interspersed with times of deep sorrow and/or longing for someone, or feeling alone and isolated. You can even feel both sad and happy (“sappy”) simultaneously. This contrast of emotions is often a distinctive feature of grief, unlike depression.

Grief tends to have an area of focus. It is usually centered around a loss and may involve thoughts and memories of the deceased or the event that caused the grief. In contrast to depression, grief tends to have a ‘reason for explanation’ because you’ve lost someone or something extremely important to you.

Lastly, grief has less of an impact on your self-esteem. You won’t perceive yourself to have low value, be insignificant, or feel like you don’t matter in the world. Although you may feel sadness and longing, you won’t struggle with feelings of worthlessness. Your sense of self typically remains intact.

What is Depression?

Depression is known to cause a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest that interferes with daily activities. It tends to be more constant and pervasive, without relief or fluctuations. It’s a persistent low mood that can last for weeks, months, or longer.

Depression often involves a persistent low mood that affects all areas of life, not just those related to the loss. It’s a blanket feeling of sadness or emptiness that doesn’t lift. People who are depressed don’t feel much relief from doing activities otherwise known to change a mood. For example, journaling, exercising, or talking to others have little or no impact on cheering you up.

When you’re depressed, it’s difficult to feel a sense of pleasure. People with depression often experience anhedonia, or a loss of interest and pleasure in activities they once enjoyed, unrelated to any specific loss. Clinically depressed people have also stated it’s hard to find pleasure in any activity.

Depression frequently includes feelings of worthlessness, excessive guilt, or self-loathing. These feelings can be pervasive and impact your overall self-image. I’ve heard clients say that when they were depressed, they couldn’t see any possible way out of it. It was like being in a black hole of immense sadness - with no beginning or no end, just darkness, weight, and emptiness.

Are You Depressed or Grieving? Engaging in a Reflective Practice with Self-Compassion

Reflecting on the subtle differences between grief and depression can help you discern the state of emotion you are experiencing. Asking yourself some questions about your symptoms each morning and reflecting on your answers can provide valuable insights for your authentic experience. For the purpose of distinguishing clarity for your emotional state, I recommend jotting down the following questions, creating or copying the scorecard below, and implementing this practice into your morning routine for a week.

Reflective Scorecard

Directions: Circle the statement in the grief or depression column that best describes your response at the moment. 

In addition to using the scorecard, you can utilize additional practices for clarity and help to navigate your process. Additional practices include:

Journal Your Responses

Writing down your thoughts and reflections each day about your state of emotion can help you track patterns and better understand your emotions. Over time, you might notice trends that can guide you in identifying whether you’re experiencing grief or depression.

Track Your Moods

You can use a mood tracker app or a simple notebook to note how you feel at different times of the day. This can help you see if your mood fluctuates (more indicative of grief) or remains constant (more indicative of depression). The Grief Refuge app has a feature called “My Grief Journey” that can help track progress for your grief process.

Practice Self-Compassion

Try to be gentle with yourself and recognize that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Both grief and depression are natural human experiences, and require support and time to heal. When you’re feeling down, it’s common to have negative self-talk so do your best to counter those thoughts with ones that are kind, gentle, and self validating.

Hopefully, you have clear answers to whether you are experiencing grief or depression. Regardless of your emotional state, I’m willing to bet that you want to feel better. There are some practical things you can do to help boost your mood. They do require energy and effort, which can be scarce, so do your best to exert that energy on ones that are conveniently accessible and will help you the most. Below are some suggestions that may be helpful right now.

Common Activities to Boost Your Mood When Your Energy is Low

Try any of the following to help boost your mood and shift some energy within.

Move Your Body: Physical activity can increase endorphins and improve your mood. Walks are highly recommended for people experiencing both grief and depression. Even a short walk outside or some light stretching can help. (Bonus tip: Look up on your walk for a sense of positivity or optimism. Looking down can feel more negative or pessimistic.)

Sunlight Exposure: Spend some time in natural sunlight, which can help boost serotonin levels and improve your mood. (Serotonin helps with feeling calm and focused.) 

Connect with Others: There are people who will hold space for you in caring and thoughtful ways. The people who listen without judging are hard to find, but they do exist. Be brave and reach out to organizations in your community or online for social support. It can provide comfort and improve your mood, especially when you have the opportunity to share your story and be witnessed by others with caring curiosity.

Give Meditation a Try: Practices such as mindfulness can help you stay present and manage stress. They also help to provide perspectives that are not as painful. Mindfulness provides a big (and much needed) sense of relief. Fortunately, there are many apps and online resources available to guide you if meditation is new and you don’t know where to start.

Set Small Goals and Keep Expectations Realistic: Whether it’s grief or depression, it’s fair to assume that you ultimately want to feel better. With a desire as such, it’s easy and natural to think big and expect a drastic shift or complete transformation. However, the key to boosting your mood is to keep goals within reach. Accomplishing small tasks can provide a sense of achievement and help boost your confidence. For more about goals and grief, read the article Setting Goals for Grief and Loss.

What to do When Your Mood Doesn’t Change or Worsens

If your low mood persists, or you feel worse, consider reaching out to a professional for support. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your needs, helping you navigate your feelings and finding effective coping strategies.

If grief is affecting your mood, you can choose from working with counselors, coaches, or care companions. Each type of professional provides unique approaches that can be very comforting and soothing for navigating the thoughts and feelings during this difficult time.

If depression is your current experience, a great option may be to work with a licensed mental health professional. They are equipped with knowledge and skills to work with you to alleviate symptoms, gain a better understanding of your experience, and/or help boost your mood and change your behavior.

Conclusion

Understanding whether you’re grieving or experiencing depression can be challenging and the symptoms for each can be similar. By asking yourself reflective questions and recognizing key differences, you can gain clarity and take important steps to care for your mental and emotional health.

If you are grieving, feeling depressed, or experiencing both, responding to your thoughts and feelings with self-compassion is helpful for feeling better. Also find moments in your day to engage in activities that are healing and help increase energy and positively impact your mood.

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Reid Peterson is the Creator of Grief Refuge, a mobile app for grief support. If you are grieving and need more comfort, visit the Grief Refuge app page to learn how the app can help you through your grief journey.