Grief’s Turning Point: How to Make the Journey Less Painful and More Manageable
Grief touches every part of who we are — our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. When someone we love dies, life can feel disoriented. Our inner world may become unfamiliar, and even the simplest routines can feel impossible.
Yet amid all this unwanted change, there’s often a quiet but powerful shift — a moment when a grieving person begins to relate differently to life after loss. This shift isn’t a single event; it unfolds gradually, sometimes without us even noticing. It’s a point when we begin to balance our pain with a small sense of possibility.
At Grief Refuge, this is called the turning point — the ‘place’ in the grieving process where pain begins to make room for hope, meaning, and re-engagement with life.
The Pull of Rumination and Avoidance
After a loss, it’s common to dwell on memories and replay “what if” thoughts. We may revisit certain moments again and again, trying to make sense of something that can feel senseless.
You might notice thoughts like:
If only I had done something differently.
Why did this happen?
I can’t stop thinking about those last moments.
Why can’t I get certain images out of my head?
This repetitive thinking, called rumination, can feel like an attempt to stay close to the person who died — a way of keeping their memory alive, denying their death, or other methods of avoidance. But rumination often traps us in mental loops that deepen our pain and add to complications in the grief journey.
Many grieving people find themselves avoiding situations that make the pain too sharp — such as visiting certain places, seeing certain people, or even allowing themselves to feel joy. An example of this is not wanting to return home because too many things are reminders of your loved one(s). Avoidance may offer temporary relief, but it also keeps healing at a distance. Paradoxically, what is avoided is also a way to feeling better, if fully processed with compassion and vulnerability.
Both rumination and avoidance are part of what psychologists call loss-oriented coping — focusing directly on the pain of the loss and the attachment to what’s gone. It’s an essential part of grief, but it’s not the whole process.
While loss-oriented coping is a natural and necessary response to grief, it represents only one part of a larger healing process. Another important part of the process is called restoration-oriented coping — the gentle, gradual engagement with life’s tasks, roles, and rhythms that continue after a loss. Restoration-oriented coping might look like taking care of daily responsibilities, reconnecting with supportive people, or beginning to find moments of ease or pleasure again. It doesn’t replace the pain — it simply offers balance. Introducing this second mode in grief allows space for a more flexible emotional experience, one that honors both the love and the life that continues to unfold.
Part of healing in grief is to speak difficult truths, with others and with oneself. Included in this article are reflection prompts, which are truth-seeking questions for you to contemplate, journal, share with a friend, or professional counselor who is currently providing support.
Regarding loss-oriented coping, rumination, and avoidance in your grief process, please take a moment to reflect on the following questions. If helpful, please write down anything that comes up — not to judge it, but to understand it.
Do you notice yourself having repetitive “what if” thoughts? If so, is there a certain location or time of day that contributes to these types of thoughts?
Are there situations or emotions you tend to avoid since your loss? If so, what might your mind be trying to protect you from in those moments?
Remember that these questions are offered for your benefit to help you gain a better sense of what you’re going through. Reflecting on them with honesty and self-compassion will provide a tremendous healing experience. Please be kind to yourself and use your responses for insights and ways to help you heal.
Balancing Loss and Restoration
Healthy grieving isn’t about “getting over it.” It’s about finding balance between holding on to what you had with your special person and rebuilding or modifying your life without them. There are several ways of coping: many are healthy, unhealthy, loss focused, and restoration focused. Each way will influence your thoughts, behavior, and outlook.
It’s worth noting here that conscious choice is important in grief. It’s energy draining but it impacts what you give your attention to. Knowing more about some of the different ways of coping can help you make conscious choices that lead to healthier grieving and living. Below are the two ways of coping this article focuses on.
The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, developed by researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, describes two important modes of coping:
Loss-oriented coping — focusing on the pain, remembering, crying, and expressing longing.
Restoration-oriented coping — finding ways to rebuild, take on new roles, or engage in activities that support life after loss.
Grief naturally involves moving back and forth between these two modes. One day you might feel drawn to sit quietly with your memories. Another day you might feel ready to reach out to a friend or take care of something practical. This oscillation can support the rhythm of healing.
Additionally, the distinction between the two is not as clearly categorized as the model states. For example, crying can be loss and/or restoration-oriented. Some people shed tears in ways described as ‘bittersweet’ because they acknowledge the pain isn’t as hurtful as it once was, and they can feel a sense of healing, new identity, or different feelings in situations associated with grief.
Grief’s turning point often happens when someone starts spending less time in loss-oriented activities and more time in restoration-oriented activities — even small ones. It might be cooking a meal again, going for a walk, or planning something meaningful for the weeks ahead. These steps may seem simple, but they mark the mind’s growing readiness to live alongside grief rather than inside it.
Here are some reflection questions to help you gauge your current focus. Consider the past week and ask yourself:
When did you find yourself focused on your loss?
When did you find yourself doing something that felt future focused?
What did each experience feel like in your body, specifically your heart?
The key takeaway regarding the balance between loss and restoration-focused coping is to notice — not force — your own rhythm of loss and restoration.
Why the Mind Clings to Loss
You may be wondering why someone would stay focused on loss-orientation, especially if it causes pain. The simple answer is that the mind clings to loss because it’s trying to protect the rest of you.
When we lose someone, our world naturally feels unsafe and unpredictable. In that uncertainty, familiar pain can provide more solace than unfamiliar change. Here are three examples of why the mind can cling to loss:
Rumination can feel like closeness — thinking about the person keeps them near, psychologically.
Avoidance feels like safety — it shields us from being overwhelmed.
Withdrawal feels like control — stepping back from the world can make chaos seem more manageable.
For restoration-oriented actions — like reconnecting socially, smiling, or finding enjoyment again — can feel frightening. They may stir up guilt: If I start feeling better, am I betraying their memory?
And all of these examples are neither right or wrong, they just are. In some situations, it IS safer to avoid, more helpful to withdraw, etc. Conscious choice, as mentioned earlier, is your ‘X’ factor, helping you discern what’s best for you in the moment.
Remember that healing while grieving doesn’t mean forgetting. It means transforming the relationship with the one who died. The love remains, even as life begins to take on new meaning. Missing someone for the remainder of your life is okay and healthy.
Here are more reflection questions to help you gauge your focus. Think about the ways you cope and gently ask yourself:
What fears come up when I imagine feeling better or enjoying something again?
How might I honor my loved one’s memory while also allowing myself to live more fully?
It may feel good to write a few sentences beginning with:
“I think they would want me to…”
“One way I can carry their love forward is…”
Recognizing Grief’s Turning Point
Grief’s turning point doesn’t always arrive with a clear “aha” moment. For many people, it unfolds quietly: a gradual shift in thinking, a softening of pain, a willingness to re-engage.
You might notice signs, such as:
Remembering your loved one without tears of sorrow.
Feeling a flicker of interest in a new activity, hobby, or event.
Laughing, even briefly, with joy and without guilt.
Wanting to make plans for your future.
Striving towards a new purpose.
These moments don’t mean you’re done grieving — far from it. They mean your relationship with grief is evolving. The pain is beginning to coexist with moments of peace.
Here are some reflection questions to help you understand your relationship with grief’s turning point. Consider:
Have I noticed any small ways my relationship with grief is changing?
Are there moments when I’ve surprised myself — feeling calm, hopeful, or connected again?
What might these moments be trying to show me about my own resilience?
If you’ve reached grief’s turning point, celebrate your achievement with a favorite meal, a trip, an activity you love to do, or something that brings you joy. It may sound cheesy, but taking moments to celebrate helps with the grieving and healing process. It brings a balance to focusing on your loss and focusing on your life.
Supporting Yourself Through the Shift
Reaching a turning point isn’t about forcing change. It’s about creating gentle conditions for it to emerge naturally.
Here are five ways to support yourself as you navigate grief:
1. Allow the many shapes of grief.
It’s okay to cry and to laugh, to rest and to move. Healing isn’t linear; it’s rhythmic.
2. Be curious about your thoughts.
When you notice painful loops of thinking, pause and say to yourself: “This is my mind trying to protect me.” Naming it helps you soften toward yourself. Noticing helps you be more compassionate to yourself.
3. Redefine what moving forward means.
Restoration doesn’t erase love; it expresses it differently. Every act of care you take for yourself honors the life and love that shaped you.
4. Seek meaning instead of answers.
Grief often resists tidy explanations. Instead of asking “why,” try asking “what now?” — what can I learn, notice, or grow toward from here?
5. Let others walk beside you.
Connection heals. Talking with someone — a friend, support group, or counselor — can help you notice progress that might seem invisible to you.
What’s the Most Supportive to You?
Pick one of the practices above that resonates most with you. Ask yourself:
How can I include this practice in my daily life today, tomorrow, and throughout this week?
What small reminder or ritual could help me stay connected to the practice and supporting myself?
You might set a gentle intention like, “Today I’ll let myself feel both love and sorrow,” or “I’ll take one small action that helps me feel connected and shapes my life.”
Conclusion: Making the Grief Journey More Manageable
The journey through grief is not about leaving your pain behind, nor the closure that is too often presumed. It’s about learning to carry it differently and/or building your life around it.
The grief turning point comes when you begin to balance remembering with rebuilding, sorrow with curiosity, and longing with love. It’s when your heart realizes that you can still honor your loss while making space for moments of peace, connection, and meaning.
To make the journey less painful and more manageable, try weaving these insights into your daily routine:
Check in with yourself each morning or evening. Ask, “Am I leaning toward loss today or restoration?” Let both be welcome.
Create small rituals that connect you to your loved one — lighting a candle, saying a quiet thank-you, or spending time in nature.
Set gentle daily intentions that support balance: rest when needed, reach out when possible, and notice even the smallest signs of healing.
Celebrate small steps — the moments you smile, the tasks you complete, the times you allow joy to coexist with grief.
Hopefully, you take the time to put energy towards the reflection questions, for they help explore many layers of grief — from rumination and avoidance, to the balance between loss and restoration, to the fears that arise when life begins to move again. Each reflection has asked you to gently notice your patterns, emotions, and small signs of change.
Taken together, these reflections reveal something important: grief is not a problem to solve, but a relationship to understand.
Grief won’t ask you to forget. It asks you to integrate — to carry both love and loss as part of your continuing story. When you’ve embraced this as a personal truth, you’ve made your shift through grief’s turning point.
And within that continuing story, there will come a moment — soft, steady, and deeply human — when you realize: I can still love them, have a relationship with them, and continue living my life. 💚 💜 💚
